so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
they call him Oral-B. enough said
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
