The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
