i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
