im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he thought i was a dude.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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