Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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