**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Even the bartender felt bad for me
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
