I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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