She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
