True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
