my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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