its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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