My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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