i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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