I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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