Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
