I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i love accidental penises.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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