i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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