im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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