You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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