I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Congratulations! We have a period
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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