when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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