grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
