the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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