How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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