If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
