it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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