you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
