I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
