The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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