I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
