i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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