Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
