My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
