Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
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