I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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