I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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