Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
