i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize