ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize