I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
