I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Will exercising make me less horny?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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