Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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