That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
