did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
