I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
