I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
