The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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