i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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