She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
