All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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