I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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