So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
