i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
