Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Randomize
