this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
