Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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