don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Randomize
