life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize