god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I have demons in me.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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