yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
