So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize