im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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